Come. Come in! Leave your troubles at the door. Park your gripes with the hatcheck girl, shed your misery on the cloakroom floor, because you won't be needing it any more.

Welcome, in short, to the dark, decadent and occasionally daft cabaret lounge of the soul, owned and run by Beauty and the Bitch for weary punters like yourself. Our virtual velveteen never scuffs: our banquettes are always ready to receive your buttocks and a VIP table is permanently reserved in your name for the nightly show.

Beauty and the Bitch are here to help: in the the dark and lonely city of Edinburgh, when all you really want is somewhere comfy to sit, alcohol to drink and a pair of musical muppets to make you laugh, we are, quite frankly, the answer to all your prayers. If you've ever fallen in love or off the wagon; if you've ever been addicted to terrible Eighties films, or got angry at someone's beard, or even lost your heart to a dead homosexual, believe it or not, we have a song for you. We're a caustic cocktail of cabaret and character comedy, and we're allowed out after dark, and you'd better not forget it.

What's on the bill, you may ask? Just select your destination from the menu above and you'll be taken on a voyage of discovery. For example in History you will find our personal histories and CVs, the Download section contains our finest lyrics, MP3s and even a pop video for your audiovisual enjoyment. You can also, if you dare, follow our adventures in music and song by logging on to the addictive B&B blog. Enjoy! We know we will ..."